Good Natured Gardening: A buck-toothed varmint talks about life in the garden

Today, we’re talking with Waldo III, an overfed burrowing varmint who’s an annoying little buck-toothed, pain-in-the-keester relative of Waldo I.

Waldo: What kind of introduction was that?

Me: Relax. Sorry to hear about Waldo I. I’m sure he’s in a better hole in the ground. I know you guys all croak after roaming under the earth for only a couple of years.  

W: Our average lifespan is one to three years. The buff guys max out at 5. Actually, I thought growing older would take longer. Guess I’ve got good genes…older and wiser to outsmart you humans.

M: Crafty, yes…but I have caught a lot of your relatives.   

W: Unfortunately, yes. So, how did you do it?

M: Ingenuity. YouTube. Nurserymen. Traps. Exterminators. But I need new ideas for my arsenal.   

W: Really? You want me to tell you how to catch us!? Your rocket failed to launch today, didn’t it, buddy? Tell you what. I can see you’re frustrated, so as a potential friend, I’ll tell you what doesn’t work.   

W: First, if you knew us a little better, you wouldn’t hate us so much. As you can see, I’m a handsome, swashbuckling dude with powerful, little diggers, fur-lined cheeks, and impressive incisors. I call them my nocturnal nibblers. 

M: I do not care. How do we make you and your caravan of carousers take a hike? You eat my roots and bulbs, and ruin my lawn. But you crossed the line when you killed some of my prize-winning roses. We’re not running a buffet here, chief. Can we finally get to the meat of this interview? 

W: Meat!? Sir, we are happy herbivores and dine on roots, shrubs and vegetables. Oh, kudos on your tasty carrots, lettuce and radishes…you really outdid yourself this year. You’re finally getting the hang of this gardening gig. We like that juicy stuff, but sometimes we think outside the bun and chew on electrical wires. The buzz helps our teeth.

M: Too bad the wires weren’t more shocking.   

W: I see you’ve got a case of the grouchies today. Maybe a little humor will cheer you up. Want to hear a joke?  

M: No.

W: Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the “no-bell” prize.  

Did you know that before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home?

M: Why don’t you go visit New Zealand. You guys are on the list of banned animals in that country because you are a threat to their ecosystem. You should be banned here, too.

W: Look, we are ecosystem engineers, one of nature’s best rototillers in the business. We aerate your soil and help your landscape to soak up water. All free. And the waste we leave behind is the best fertilizer…recommended by five out of five people who recommend stuff.

M: You’re wrong, Pinocchio. Manure from cattle, goats, horses, pigs, poultry and sheep all beat your poop.

W: Okay, you got me there. Did you know that we’re active all year long, day and night. Our whiskers help us to maneuver in our 4” wide tunnels.  We can dig down to a foot, but the old geezers can only go down about 6”. Do you know how we don’t get any dirt in our mouths? It’s because we can close our lips behind our buck teeth. It saves on flossing. Pretty cool, huh.

M: Your dentist must love you.

W: We absolutely hate your underground wire netting. You call it hardware cloth, but it’s really wire mesh. It’s a road block. We hate it.    

W: We live a quiet, lonely life underground. We even prefer to be away from other gophers. 

M: Same here. 

W: We are constantly threatened by dogs, coyotes, snakes, owls, hawks…and worst of all…you.  We are peace-loving, romantic creatures. We find a mate in the spring and summer to do the mating thing. We can produce up to three litters a year, each has five to six tiny tots who will reach maturity in a year. Some of them can grow anywhere from 5” to 14” long. After a few weeks, we’ll send our young’uns on their way to start a career in underground construction. Proud papa here. Ain’t no hood like fatherhood.   

M: I agree with that. We’ve got three kids. I’m a former kid myself.

W: We abhor those Macabee and Cinch traps. That Gopher Hawk trap is bad news, too. 

M: Don’t stop now.   

W:  Even though some of my cronies are overdue for their annual bath, forget about flooding us out with your garden hose. Our extensive tunnel system has a ton of hiding places. I have to admit though that the moist soil makes it easier to dig. You know…better living through better dirt

M: No more showers…gotcha. That’ll save me time, money, and water.

W: Skip the Rodenticide and Gopher Killer. If one of my buddies is poisoned, and your dog eats the newly deceased, your Champ won’t be a champ for long. 

M: We don’t have a Champ.

W: We hate castor beans, garlic, gopher purge, and oleanders because they taste awful. We don’t care for the strong smell of eucalyptus, geraniums. lantana, lavender, pepper, rosemary, sage, or thyme. We’re not fans of coffee grounds, fish oil, peppermint oil or tabasco either. But, despite the general belief in your world, none of those will get rid of us. 

M: If you hate it, I’ll plant it.

W: We love those vibrating stakes. They’re relaxing after a long day of excavating. We enjoy the smoke show coming out of our other recent holes. They remind us of those steam geysers at Yellowstone.

M: What about chewing gum and laxatives?

SW: Save them for yourself. Now here’s something we both hate. Snakes.     

M: Amen to that. You know what? Let’s end on something we both agree on.

Schmidt is a Poway resident with over 40 years of gardening experience.