Ham on Wry: If you feed them, they will come

Last week, I purchased another 25-pound bag of sugar at Costco.

But not for me.

Nor my family.

It was for the hummingbirds.

I combine one part sugar with four parts water and proceed to fill a dozen feeders mounted on my patio.

There came a time that I felt I was neglecting the other birds in the area, so I also purchased several birdseed feeders.

That quickly attracted a huge variety of feathered friends.

All seemed to go well until I noticed that a few mice had gathered to devour the seeds that had fallen to the ground.

So, in an effort to remedy the issue, I purchased one of those humane rodent traps. It’s a cage that snares the mice so I’d be able to safely transport them to the local park to set them free.

So now I had an investment in bird food, sugar, feeders and cages.

Sadly, the effort to relocate those mice turned out to be a daily routine with no foreseeable end.

So, to add a bit more serenity to my life, I decided to give up on the birdseed feeders and just stick with nectar for the hummingbirds.

Until the bees arrived.

At first, there were only a few, so the hummingbirds were able to successfully work their way around them.

But eventually the feeders were swarmed by what appeared to be thousands of bees. They totally covered the feeders so that the hummingbirds were unable to approach.

So I had to abandon my efforts and remove all the feeders.

That turned out to be a challenge, as it took several days for the bees to consume the remaining nectar before they’d finally depart.

It may have taken a while, but the day finally arrived when we were able to enjoy our patio once again.

I was left with birdseed, sugar, cages and dozens of feeders.

I might decide to have a garage sale, or maybe I’ll try to fill those feeders once again after sufficient time passes.

My wife, however, suggests it would be nice to enjoy sitting out on our patio once again without an animal invasion or the fear of being stung.

She reminded me that those bird feeders were also attracting other creatures, including skunks and coyotes.

Even bats.

Also flies.

In the meantime, I think the absence of birds, bees, bats and bugs has served to enhance our marriage, as I’ve been able to pay more attention to my wife versus wildlife.

In truth, we’re finally enjoying our patio again, although several birds and bees still show up once in a while wondering what happened to their provisions.

Even an occasional rodent will appear, probably the single visitor that caused the suspension of the entire operation.

I do feel some remorse observing those creatures seeking an explanation.

So I point to my bride, hoping she can provide them with an answer.

“It was me or the mice,” she mutters.

Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. Contact him at irverdos@aol.com.