Ham on Wry: Oh, the things he could buy instead

I called my doctor to get some feedback about my recent lab work.

Unfortunately, she was out of town, so I wound up chatting with the office’s nurse practitioner.

We talked a few minutes, she recounted my lab results, offered some guidance, and informed me that the doctor would get back to me upon her return.

I thanked her and hung up.

Later that same day, I got a notice from my credit card company that my account was debited $325 for that visit.

Three hundred twenty-five dollars!

To be clear, when I say visit, I mean phone call.

I never actually saw her.

I mean in person.

I just talked.

On the phone.

With the nurse practitioner.

For 10 minutes.

That $325 charge translates to $1,950 an hour.

Or $15,600 for an eight-hour day.

Which comes to $78,000 for a week.

$312,000 a month.

Or $3,744,000 a year.

Checking the internet, I learned that the median price of a home in San Diego is roughly one-quarter the cost of a phone conversation with that nurse practitioner.

Did I mention she wasn’t a doctor?

Or that I never saw her in person.

It was just a phone call.

Lasting 10 minutes.

I remember when the phone company billed me $25 for calling my cousin in Europe.

I thought that was excessive until I got that $325 charge.

From the nurse who told me she’d have the doctor get back to me.

So basically, she charged $325 to take a message.

That’s more than I spent during my last trip to Costco where I came home with ribeye steaks.

And a bottle of merlot, a cherry pie, 30 eggs, a watermelon, a dozen croissants, a bag of pistachios, a container of ice cream, a chicken pot pie, eggplant parmesan, ravioli, corn on the cob, socks, turkey burgers, English muffins, a cheesecake, bananas, a container of potato salad, vitamins, two gallons of milk, a pair of pants, tennis shoes, underwear and movie tickets.

All for less than the cost of a 10-minute talk with the nurse practitioner.

In addition, I had a hot dog with unlimited soda from the food court.

Oh, and I also purchased a rotisserie chicken.

For $4.99.

That’s possibly the single best buy on the planet.

In fact, for that $325 call with the nurse practitioner, I could have purchased 65 of those succulent birds.

If a survey was offered asking people which they’d prefer, a 10-minute phone conversation with a nurse practitioner, or 65 rotisserie chickens from Costco, I suspect 100% of the respondents would opt for chicken.

I told my wife I wanted to call my doctor to complain about that charge, but she suggested it would be unwise to criticize the company that writes my prescriptions.

She suggested I suck it up and have some more chicken.

Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. Contact him at irverdos@aol.com.