Lederer on Language: We English speakers often garble our body language

An old American folk rhyme chuckles:

Where can a man find a cap for his knee, Or a key for a lock of his hair? Can his two eyes be called an academy because there are pupils in there?

In the crown of his head, what gems are set?

Who travels the bridge of his nose?Can he use, when shingling the roof of his mouth,The nails on the ends of his toes?

What does he raise from a slip of his tongue.And who beats the drums of his ears?And who can tell the cut and the styleOf the coat his stomach wears?

Can the crooks of his elbows be sent to jail?If so, just what did they do?And how does he sharpen his shoulder blades?I’ll be darned if I know. Do you?

In our crazy English language, your nose can run and your feet can smell. So today I offer a collection of crazy English language, this time featuring the closest thing to us — our bodies.

Because we speakers and writers of English seem to have our heads screwed on backwards, we constantly misperceive our bodies:

 “Watch your head.” I keep seeing this sign on low doorways, but I haven’t figured out how to follow the instructions. Trying to watch your head is like trying to bite your teeth.

 “He’s got a good head on his shoulders.” What? He doesn’t have a neck?

 “They’re head over heels in love.” That’s nice, but all of us do almost everything head over heels. If we are trying to create an image of people doing cartwheels and somersaults, why don’t we say, “They’re heels over head in love”?

 “Don’t stick your head in the sand.” If you do that, you’ll suffocate.

 “I only have eyes for you.” What? I don’t have ears, nose, and mouth for you?

 “While you’re gone, I’ll keep an eye on your house.” Shouldn’t that be “Keep both eyes on your house”?

 “She caught my eye.” What a horrible image!

 “Put your best foot forward.” We have a good foot and a better foot — but we don’t have a third — and best — foot. It’s our better foot we want to put forward.

 “His feet are firmly planted on the ground.” Then how can he get his pants on and off?

 “The athlete never left her feet.” Of course not! Her feet are attached to her ankles.

 “Foot the bill,” How can you pay a bill with your foot?

 “She put her foot in her mouth.” Unless she is a contortionist, that’s impossible.

 “Let’s give the entertainer a hand.” You can’t clap with just a hand. You need two hands.

 “She’s all thumbs.” That used to mean “she’s clumsy,” but, with the widespread use of texting, a huge population is now “all thumbs.”

 “I’m speaking tongue in cheek.” So how can anyone understand me?

 “Keep a stiff upper lip.” When we are disappointed or afraid, which lip do we try to control? The lower lip, of course, is the one we are trying to keep from quivering.

 “By the skin of my teeth.” Teeth don’t have any skin.

 “They do things behind my back.” You want they should do things in front of your back?

 “Bend over backwards.” Unless you’re a contortionist, is this action really possible?

 “Stick your neck out.” Shouldn’t that be “Stick your head out”?

 “The clenched fist is a symbol of victory or defiance.” If it wasn’t clenched, it wouldn’t be a fist.

 “Necking.” What an odd name for an act that has very little to do with the neck.

 “I got a haircut.” No, you got them all cut.

 “He broke every bone in his body.” What about the bones outside his body?

 “I turned on my heel and left.” No, you didn’t. When you turned, you raised your heel and turned on the ball of your foot.

And always remember to keep your eyes on the prize, your nose to the grindstone, your shoulder to the wheel, your hand on the tiller, your face to the wind, your chin up, your ear tothe ground, and your foot on the pedal. Then go see your chiropractor.

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On Thursday, Aug. 7, 2 p.m., at the Rancho Santa Fe Senior Center, 16780 La Gracia, I’ll be presenting “The Lighter Side of Aging.”

Please send your questions and comments about language to richardhlederer@gmail.com website: verbivore.com