Guest Commentary: The night before Christmas in La Jolla

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through La Jolla

e-bikes fell silent; peds walked sans paranoia.

Bordeaux was decanted in crystal with care

anticipating St. Nick, who soon would be there.

The children were doom-scrolling their TikTok feeds,

wondering who had committed what cheeky deeds.

Mama in her leggings and I in my loafers

had dismissed for the night both of the chauffeurs.

When by the ADU there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my hot tub to see what’s the matter.

Away past the fire pit I flew like a flash

to film it for Nextdoor, my iPhone I snatched.

The moon rose above Soledad warmly aglow,

5G antennas cast shadows throughout Whoville below.

When what to my wandering eyes was revealed

but a gaudy red Cybertruck hitched to eight seals.

With a tanned, toned and trim driver divine,

I knew in a moment he subscribed to Lifetime!

Rapid as Skinny Buffet his seals they came,

and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

Now Warwick! Now Geppetto! Now Adelaide and Decker!

On Meanley and Mitch, on Bloomers and Bowers

to the top of Birdseye, to the top of La V!

Now dash away, dash away to the wide open sea!

As king tide swells against the Children’s Pool do fly

when they meet with the sea wall and mount to the sky,

So to our roof deck his pinnipeds flew

with a boot full of loot, and St. Nicholas, too.

And then amid clinking, I heard on the deck

the chirp of unlocking, like sleighs of execs.

As I returned to the hot tub, beverage in hand,

down the spiral staircase snuck Santa as planned.

He was dressed quite dapper, from his head to his feet,

like those dashing valets on Prospect you’ll meet.

Limited Edition bag flung over his shoulder,

filled to the brim it resembled a Seal Rock boulder.

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!

This was not the Grinch on Mount Crumpit, so scary.

His smile unveiled teeth as white as the sands.

No doubt in my mind his dentist was Kris Tran.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work

stuffing the stockings because the Nice List has perks.

Some diamonds for her, gold Rolex for him —

These gifts were thoughtful, not selected on whim.

With his delivery complete, he gave me a wink.

He left in a hurry — toward The Throat, I do think.

But I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight,

Merry Christmas, La Jolla, and to all a good night.

Chas. Dye is a La Jolla resident.