Nick Canepa: There are no excuses for Padres’ late-season skid

Sez Me …

A.J. Preller, who supplies the Padres’ brain matter that matters, did Bobby Fisher stuff at the trade deadline, rapidly moving chess pieces to make his team better. And he did improve it. For what, about two weeks?

Where A.J. really screwed up was in not acquiring Henry Heimlich.

Because his guys have swallowed a truckload of Lindsay olives. And I don’t know if there’s enough time left in the regular season to get all the crap out of their collective necks before checkmate.

I’m not big on choking in sports, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t occur. There simply aren’t many different ways to say it.

This has all the look of the biggest gag in the history of a franchise that hasn’t really had many opportunities for huge gags, because it hasn’t been good enough to have enough of them.

In a word, it has been pathetic. No excuses. There have been injuries. Everybody has them, especially in the modern era, when hangnails get you on the IL.

If you hadn’t seen this team play all year and just tuned in now, there isn’t a chance you’d believe it actually led the National League West not long ago and opened the season playing like the best club in baseball. And they were without some starting pitching.

I’m sure manager Mike Shildt will get a moby share of the blame. He may not be John McGraw, but as I’ve said many times before, no one can say exactly how much influence a manager has on a game’s outcome — especially now with the dreaded DH removing strategy that never should have been allowed through the NL portal.

All Shildt can do is look at the players on his roster and put them out there.

Is he responsible for the embarrassing lack of clutch hitting? For Fernando Tatis Jr.’s sudden loss of power? Why has the bottom of the lineup become better than the top? Is he bunting too much? Before the recent gag, it was how they were winning.

Worst of all, this collapse has come in the fast-food part of their schedule. They lost two of three to Seattle, two of three to the Twins, came home and went 0-3 vs. lowly Baltimore, which gave them half its team at the deadline, and then went to Colorado and got shut out Friday.

Shut out in Denver?

The only good thing is that the Dodgers have been failing miserably and somehow the Pads remain in contention. But the Giants are charging. All you have to do is win every so often.

The Padres are so fortunate to have great fans. Because they are boring and hard to watch. Winning helped. For a while.

There is time, of course. But also great danger in them spending their October picking out the best pumpkins instead of playing playoff baseball.  …

The NFL Team That Used To Be Here always plays well enough to beat the Chiefs, but don’t win. The Judases did in Brazil simply because they were better on both sides of the ball, and Justin Herbert was better than Patrick Mahomes. …

Man, it is great seeing K.C. lose. …

Spitting at somebody is filthy. Lifting your leg with your mouth. …

Medics took Cowboys “superstar” receiver CeeDee Lamb into the tent near the end of the Eagles game to see if he still had hands. Cris Collinsworth, a generous fisherman, let CeeDee off the hook. …

The Tonsils are saying six or seven college quarterbacks can be first-rounders. I don’t know if I’ve seen one. Yet. Julian Sayin has a chance. …

Want to see someone throw a football? Watch Michigan’s Bryce Underwood. Arm of Zeus. …

Next year, USC promises to open its season against a team featuring players with affidavits signed by Gillette notaries proving they actually have shaved. Missouri State was Stony Brook with acne. …

Bill Belichick’s 20-something girlfriend is being blamed for North Carolina’s lackluster opening loss to TCU. Guess he can’t do what he did in New England — tell Josh McDaniels and Eric Mangini to get lost. …

Belichick is not allowing NFL scouts on the UNC campus. Why would they go there? …

Chubba Purdy, Brock’s brother and Nevada’s QB, got his nickname because he weighed 38 pounds on his first birthday. It was around then his mom changed her name to Lumbago. …

It also was around that time Chubba’s parents bought their own dairy. …

East Texas A&M? Is that on the sunny side of campus? …

Every college team for which Lee Corso coached and played won last week. Big push to make up for his losses. …

I’m surprised Gino Torretta didn’t come on Lee’s “College GameDay” retirement show and re-gift him the Heisman he won under Corso’s false pretenses. …

That “GameDay” had record-setting ratings, but experts figure it was people making sure it was his final show. …

To flush Kalen DeBoer, Alabama would have to eat $70 million. That’s a lot of shrimp and grits for a red — not green — state. …

In 2022, 60% of big-league baseball games lasted 3-plus hours. Thus far in 2025, 15% have. The pitch clock deserves a Nobel Prize. …

With batters lucky to hit .250, it means pitchers are successful well over 70% of the time. So they go ape when a batter watches a home run. But when the pitcher pumps his fist after a strikeout, it’s OK. …

The Cubs have signed Carlos Santana, who promises to change his evil ways. …

RIP, George Raveling, a very wise man. When George was introduced as USC’s head basketball coach, Trojans AD Mike McGee proudly cooed: “Jim Raveling …uh,  George Raveling.” …

Justin Verlander, 40-something, threw 121 pitches in a game last week, about 70 after the young whippersnappers’ bedtimes. …

Have you seen photos of Nicholas Cage as John Madden in the coach’s upcoming biopic? Tell you what, looking like that, Nick never gets Cher in “Moonstruck.” …

Brett Favre reveals he has Parkinson’s, a disease that obviously is unaffected by toughness. My best to a warrior. …

Hey, Micah: All football plays are tricks. They don’t hand out scripts. …

How did the Saints miss the talent in Zack Baun? Ask the captain of the Titanic about that iceberg. …

Joe Tessitore moonlights as a police car siren. …

Tommy DeVito gets a commercial. I have fired my agent. …

I don’t know who should be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, but I know who shouldn’t get one: Rudy Giuliani. …

Pollution closes incredible Coronado beaches for Labor Day. This is an international disgrace. “Some Like It Hot” was filmed there. Monroe, Lemmon and Curtis cavorted there. …

My bad. On my report card, I had the Judases playing the Raiders in L.A. It’s in Vegas on Sept. 15. …

Now I hear the Eagles tried to pry Micah Parsons from the in-the-same-division Cowboys? Jerry Jones is a lousy GM, but not even Steve Ortmayer was that lousy. …

UCSD athletic director emeritus Earl Edwards can’t help himself. Even in emeritus, he remains the most efficient and successful AD in the history of this community. …

Know what a close loss means? Loss.