Ham on Wry: It’s going to be one expensive birthday

My wife complains that we don’t get out enough.

I explain that there’s really no reason to leave the house since anything can be delivered.

Often within an hour.

There was a time you had to visit the supermarket to purchase groceries, but now, you just type what you want into the computer, and after a few minutes, your order shows up at the door.

But she says she wasn’t talking about shopping. She wants to travel.

Take a vacation.

“To where?” I question.

She likes the beach, but she knows I’m not crazy about the idea because of my two objections: the sand and the water.

Not to mention, to get to the beach from our house is more than a half-hour drive.

But she says it’s not the beach she wants to visit.

It’s Paris.

Paris!

And I thought the beach was far.

She says she wants to dine outdoors. Enjoy a croissant.

Perhaps an espresso.

“We have a lovely patio,” I reason. “And you can buy a dozen croissants at Costco for $6.99.”

It’s also the place where you can get a $4.99 rotisserie chicken.

In truth, I don’t even bother driving there any longer, because my neighbor shops at Costco each week, and I have a standing order for one of those delicious chickens.

She hands me one and I give her a $5 bill and tell her to keep the change.

Back when I shopped at Costco myself, it tended to cost around $300.

In truth, I can’t even recall what for.

But now, thanks to our neighbor, I’m saving $295.

So there’s no longer a good reason to leave the house.

There was a time I used to step outside to mow the lawn. But that was before I had artificial turf installed. It needs no mowing, no feeding, no water, and no care.

Regrettably, my wife insists she wants more out of life. More than fake grass or even a $4.99 chicken.

She wants to pay a visit to the Eiffel Tower.

And the Arc de Triomphe.

And I thought the beach was far.

And now, she wants me to take her to Vegas.

But she informs that she wasn’t talking about Las Vegas. She wants to go to Paris.

The one in France.

France!

But those landmarks she wants to see can be viewed on our big-screen.

For no cost.

With dinner.

Versus $2,000 for just the airfare.

Plus hotels, taxis, and restaurant charges.

She says she wants to have a croissant from one of those sidewalk cafes on the Champs-Elysees.

Estimated cost: $4,000

Versus 60 cents apiece for Costco croissants.

Delivered!

“Paris!” she says. “It’s my one great birthday wish.”

Life can bring many surprises, generate extraordinary incongruities.

Produce unforeseen challenges.

She wants Paris.

For her birthday.

I was planning to ask my neighbor to pick up a cake.

Erdos is a freelance humor columnist. Contact him at irverdos@aol.com.